The Big Bang Theory: Howard Wolowitz’s Funniest Quotes

Published on January 26, 2016. Updated November 25, 2020

In a lot of ways, Howard Wolowitz is the funniest character on The Big Bang Theory. While Sheldon Cooper’s jokes may became annoying or redundant, Wolowitz’s lines are always fresh and perfectly timed, even if sometimes they are a little creepy. Simon Helberg has become a script writer’s dream with his deliverance of Wolowitz and his lines on-screen, which have stolen the show more than once in The Big Bang Theory‘s nine seasons. Check out 10 of his funniest quotes!

10. Season 2, Episode 19

Much of Wolowitz’s humor focuses on hitting on and being rejected by women, especially Penny, but no matter how many times she says no, he has a “don’t quit” attitude.

Wolowitz: “Penny, let me take this opportunity to point out that you are looking particularly ravishing today.”
Penny: “Not with a thousand condoms, Howard.”
Wolowitz: “So there IS a number.”

9. Season 1, Episode 3

Sometimes it seems as if Howard is going to say something heartfelt, but most of the time it turns into a joke at his expense.

Wolowitz: “Love is not a sprint, it’s a marathon, a relentless pursuit that only ends when she falls into your arms- or hits you with the pepper spray.”

CBS

8. Season 5, Episode 6

Wolowitz’s humor crosses a lot of limits that the other character’s humors don’t, including many, many jokes about his own mother, who the audience only hears and never sees, but they are funny every single time.

Mary Cooper: “I bet your mom is really proud of you.”
Wolowitz: “Nope. She says if I don’t back out, she’s gonna go on a hunger strike. It’d take years before she’d be in any kind of danger, but still…”

CBS

7. Season 2, Episode 8

Throughout the series there are many humorous interactions between Howard and his mother, including this one from early on in the show which never gets old.

Mrs. Wolowitz: “Howard get the door!”
Wolowitz: “Really, is that what you do when someone knocks? I had no idea.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k8nQe8PE7VY&t=6m2s

6. Season 4, Episode 5

No matter how many women he goes after in his endless pursuit of love and sex, Wolowitz has no problem admitting most of the time things don’t go quite as he planned and the matter-of-fact way he states it makes it even more humorous.

Leonard: “Howard, I appreciate the effort, but this is like, the worst date of my life.”
Wolowitz: “Seriously? I was once robbed by a pre-op transsexual I met on JDate, and that didn’t even crack my top 10.”

CBS

5. Season 3, Episode 17

Aside from poking fun at Sheldon, and joking about his sex life (or lack thereof), one of Wolowitz’s favorite sources of comedy is the fact he is Jewish, and has delivered many hilarious lines at the expense of his Jewish background.

Leonard: “It should go back to Peter Jackson. He made the movies; it belongs to him.”
Wolowitz: “Fine, he can have it back — as long as he promises to make me a hobbit in his next movie.”
Raj: “There are no Jewish hobbits.”
Wolowitz: “Clearly, you’ve never been to my house for dinner on Rosh Hashana.”

Source: CBS

4. Season 4, Episode 9

Fans know that Wolowitz’s jokes are often the funniest because they are so surprising, especially when making fun of his best friend Raj’s ethnicity and openly doing so.

Sheldon: “I don’t care for novelty editions of Monopoly. I prefer the classics: regular and klingon.”
Wolowitz: “Indian Monopoly is just like regular Monopoly, but instead of money you use rupees, instead of building hotels you build call centers, and when you pick up a chance card there’s a chance you die of dysentery. And just FYI, that was racist.”

3. Season 8, Episode 8

Another classic Wolowitz “mom” joke.

Leonard: “Oh hey, we ran into your mom at Benihana last night.”
Wolowitz: “Uh, yeah, she loves that place. Every time they flip a shrimp in the air, she practically leaps out of her seat to catch it. That’s why I don’t take her to SeaWorld.”

CBS

2. Season 5, Episode 6

Again, Howard Wolowitz will say things that some people may think but don’t say because they might be offensive. Even if the subject matter is controversial, it is always funny when he just says it anyway.

Raj: “None of our gods have abs like that.”
Wolowitz: “Yup… that’s the last Jew who did sit-ups. And look where it got him.”

1. Season 2, Episode 7

One of Wolowitz’s best and funniest episodes was when he realized that the America’s Next Top Model house wasn’t very far away from him at all, and finally admitted the one thing everyone knew about him anyway.

Wolowitz: “If it’s ‘creepy’ to use the internet, military satellites and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models so I can drop in on them unexpected, then fine. I’m ‘creepy.’